Victorian Courting Customs

A Page from the Past

Adelaide Winterbourne pinched her cheeks and admired herself in the mirror. Her maid had outdone herself with her hairstyle. With most of her honey-blonde locks piled up on top of her head, she had a few curls cascading down around to accentuate her pale shoulders and neck. Adelaide’s hair was her source of vanity and it shone against her pale pink gown.

She smiled to herself remembering the look of joy on Mr. Henry Lakewood of Greenleaf Manor's face when she presented a lock of it in a ring for his pinky finger.

Tonight her father was announcing their engagement to the neighborhood, and a grand ball was being held in their honor. Adelaide couldn’t wait to finally be able to walk in the garden with Henry alone. To call him Henry and not Mr. Lakewood. They both thought the courting customs a bit old-fashioned and were eagerly awaiting the day they wed and could be done with them.

Adelaide went downstairs with a light heart and an excitement about her future with her beloved.

***

Read on to learn what was proper and improper for Miss Winterbourne and Mr. Lakewood while courting.

A Day in the Life

Courtship and romantic relationships during the Victorian era was a time of strict social codes and intricate customs designed to uphold societal values such as modesty, propriety, and class distinctions. Understanding these customs offers a glimpse into the complexities of Victorian society and the elaborate dance of romance during that period.

Customs, Etiquette, & Oddities

Formal Introductions: The Gateway to Acquaintance

In Victorian society, social interactions were highly regulated. A single woman was prohibited from addressing a gentleman without a proper introduction, typically facilitated by a mutual acquaintance. This protocol ensured that social boundaries were respected and that interactions began on a foundation of propriety. Such introductions were not merely formalities but essential steps in maintaining the decorum expected of the time.

The Role of Chaperones: Guardians of Virtue

Privacy between unmarried individuals was a rare commodity. Young couples were seldom left alone, with chaperones—often older family members—present during meetings to prevent any impropriety. This supervision extended to public outings, where a chaperone's presence was mandatory. The chaperone's role was to ensure that the couple adhered to societal expectations, preserving the woman's reputation and, by extension, her family's honor.

The Language of Fans: Subtle Signals of Affection

In an era where direct expressions of interest were discouraged, Victorian women developed a nuanced system of communication using fans. Just like with the language of flowers to send messages, the position and movement of a fan could convey a multitude of messages:

• A closed fan signified disinterest.

• A half-open fan indicated friendship.

• A fully open fan expressed romantic interest.

This "fan language" allowed women to navigate the complexities of courtship discreetly, sending signals without uttering a word.

Restrictions on Physical Contact: Upholding Chastity

Physical interactions between courting couples were stringently limited. Touching was generally forbidden, with few exceptions. For instance, a gentleman might offer his hand to assist a lady over uneven terrain, but beyond such practicalities, physical contact was avoided. This restraint underscored the era's emphasis on chastity and the preservation of a woman's virtue until marriage.

Prohibited Private Visits: Maintaining Public Perception

Social norms dictated that a woman could not visit an unmarried gentleman's residence, nor could she receive him in her own home without the presence of family members. These rules were designed to prevent any suspicion or gossip that could tarnish her reputation, reflecting the period's preoccupation with public perception and moral conduct.

Modest Gift Exchanges: Tokens of Affection

Gift-giving during courtship was governed by strict guidelines. Lavish or expensive presents from gentlemen were discouraged, as they could be perceived as attempts to unduly influence a lady's affections or as inappropriate displays of wealth. Acceptable tokens included flowers, books, sweets, and sheet music—items that were thoughtful yet modest, aligning with the era's values of restraint and propriety.

The "Coming Out" Season: Debutantes Enter Society

For young women of the upper class, the "coming out" ceremony marked their introduction to society and eligibility for marriage. This event often involved being presented to the Queen and participating in the London Season—a series of social events designed to showcase eligible young women to potential suitors. This period was colloquially known as the "marriage mart," highlighting its role in facilitating advantageous matches.

Ladies meeting Queen Victoria at a “coming out” ceremony in 1894. (Kate Tattersall Adventures)

The Art of Calling: Structured Social Visits

The practice of "calling" was a structured system where a gentleman would visit a lady's home during specified hours, known as "calling hours." These visits were formal and often supervised, providing an opportunity for controlled interaction. The frequency and duration of calls could indicate the progression of the courtship, with more frequent visits suggesting serious intentions. At times, a popular lady might have several suitors at once. I imagine that would be a bit awkward for all involved.

Love Letters: Sharing True Feelings

Writing love letters was a popular practice during this time, and many couples shared their most intimate thoughts and feelings in these letters. Love letters were a vital means for couples to express affection and deepen their bond, especially given the era’s strict social constraints on direct interaction. These letters allowed individuals to convey emotions, discuss future intentions, and maintain a sense of closeness during periods of separation.

Engagements and Public Announcements: Formalizing Intentions

Once a mutual affection was established, the couple would proceed to an engagement, a period during which they were allowed slightly more freedom, such as holding hands or taking unchaperoned walks. Engagements were often publicly announced, solidifying the couple's intentions and allowing society to acknowledge the forthcoming union. This period also involved the exchange of modest gifts and increased familial interactions.

Victorian Influences Today

Obviously today’s dating culture is a far cry from the strict rules Victorians followed. Young people are able to date very young and either sex can approach the other if interested. The term “courting” isn’t used anymore, and flirting is a lot more forward than positioning your fan or sending flowers.

While the customs have mostly disappeared the values seem to have survived. In some cultures, mostly religious, certain things like a dating couple being alone (especially teenage couples), having sex, or moving in together before marriage or a pregnancy out of wedlock are frowned upon.

These older customs reflected a society deeply invested in maintaining social order, propriety, and clear class distinctions. While some of these practices may seem restrictive by today’s standards, they were integral to the fabric of Victorian life, guiding individuals in their pursuit of love and companionship within the acceptable bounds of their time.

A Parlour Chat

How do you think you would have fared if you’d had to “court” during the Victorian era? What would you have enjoyed or hated?